Stuff Of Cheeses/Walk In My Footsteps

Hello blog, been a while.

There used to be a time when I thought that love was something simple; fall in love, get married, live happily ever after. Okay, maybe not to that extent but something along those lines. Falling in love is easy enough for me. Its what comes after that always seems to elude me. I suppose one could argue that at the ripe age of 23 theres still alot of space for romantic happenings, but up till not too long ago I would have disagreed. 

To be honest, these past 2+ years have been trying for me for a few reasons in particular. Now I could quote my experiences with my Job, or my part time studies as a cause but I would say that relationship problems were the killer.

Or a lack of relationship.

Long story short, after much trying and fumbling around I’ve decided to end my long term one sided ‘love’. Perhaps I was too much of a shattered man after what I’ve been through or perhaps we really ‘weren’t compatible’ (to quote her words). Yeap, after long hours of prayer, I decided to end it. I guess I was sure then, I’m not so sure now though.

Anyway shes gone back for her studies now and I’m here. Having to move on and piece my life back together again.

Ever let someone get away that you wish you hadn’t? Ever felt that that simple rejection was a sign that you just weren’t good enough? Thats how I felt. It’s a blow isn’t it. Point is I’ll be moving on with my life, but I still believe what I saw in her was a reflection of my true desires for the future, where I wanted to be. Not so sure where life will take me and her but if it ever does get us together again I hope I’ll be a better man then.

Whatever may be, you were still my first.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:6

As a christian kid I was told ever so often that God would decide our path in life, but being a kid I never did understand what the ‘path’ portion of it meant. It wasn’t till I had to make choices with lasting consequences that I understood what having a crooked and uncertain path meant.

Long story short, when I was informed that my job contract wasn’t going to be renewed, I felt both relief and sadness. Relief at the fact that I could finally move on in life (needless to say I wasn’t exactly satisfied with things as they were), sadness because I wished things would have ended on better terms.

That said, I’ve been spending my last few months in a state of uncertainty. Firstly because I was informed two months in advance, which if you’ve ever left a job before would know that everything changes after that. Secondly because I now had the ‘freedom’ I craved for in sight, but somehow not the peace I thought I would find.

Uncertainty is the emotion you get when you ask yourself “Where am I going to go from here?”, and don’t know the answer. You’re lost. Everything around you loses its luster and brilliance and you’re left with an empty feeling in your stomach.

People have asked me ‘why so emo?’ in the last few months more times than I can count and I’m left wondering how I should answer them. Do I reply with the ever popular ‘You don’t understand how I feel?’ or perhaps just brush it off?

How would you respond if your life wasn’t going the way you wanted it to? When you experience disappointments one after the other. You see, I am an overthinker. An idealist by nature. Tough and solid-looking on the outside, but surprisingly frail otherwise. I get upset and discouraged when things don’t go my way. I feel shortchanged when people get what seems to be the ‘better deal’. I feel afraid and disillusioned when my life doesn’t match up to my image of it.

But perhaps uncertainty is God’s way of shaping us?

I’m readying myself for an uncertain future, because true certainty, true joy are only found in God’s leading. As romantic and sentimental as this sounds, I believe that I will find my hearts desires in following his will.I forsee that the next few months will be a precursor to the rest of my life. I’m going to make a point to hope and trust in the leading of the God who calls Himself my Father and friend and hopefully turn this uncertainty to a quiet, calm trust in Him.

[Father God, I’m counting on you to see me through this. Help me learn trust and hope in you as you guide me in the next few months. May I emerge stronger and full of your purpose]

Follow your heart? Follow your head?

Search where you are? Search where you’re not?

Go for it? Hold back and wait?

Present or future?

It’s confusing. Hoping I can make things clear soon.

Amazing experience in Melaka. Not one to forget soon. 1 Malaysia is right there folks. People want change

Am I so bad at this Job? Is this supposed to be some blow to my pride, my ego? 

Am I totally unable to be meticulous and cautious? Where then is my place in this world? 

Do I run away or do I stay and fight? Is this a sign of my limitations from God or a sign to carry on.

[My confusion doesn’t decrease, it only increases. My Frustration soars to its limits. Save me from on High father. Let the wounds on my heart turn to scars. Hurt turn to Hope]

What do you do?

I can see two choices;

Retreat deeper into yourself, where no sunlight can reach, where the breezy open is but a memory, protecting yourself, wrapping yourself tightly to escape future hurts.

Or embrace hurt, entrusting it to God, trusting that for all the bad, there is a purpose, to walk freely in the Lords gardens and to see the world in it’s beauty amidst the brokenness.

Let me not be the former, Father.

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. – Proverbs 13:12

A mindset or a reality? 

Cause as time drags on….

I want to go. A place my heart longs for. Why does it long for that place? Who knows, I certainly don’t.

What will I find in that place? Hopefully what I want, what I desire, what I hope to live for.

Is it a destination? Not really. A feeling, a sense of belonging more likely, a desire would describe it better.

Is that place better than this one? I’m not too sure. Those who aren’t me might think of it as a paradise. I certainly don’t. Prison would be a better word. 

All in all, theres a place. A place I long to reach. People I long to see. A life I long to live.

For a new Job? For a new love? For a fresh start? 

It’s these sort of things that fill my mind nowadays as I countdown the months to my second year of working. I’ve seen many things so far in these few years; my changing mindset & worldview, friends getting married, friends enjoying themselves in their university years, changes in my family and a whole lot of other things. I guess you could kinda say that, despite not wanting to accept it, time is catching up with me:

I’m growing up.

It’s not a conviction so much as a feeling. A feeling that things are going to get serious, things are going to be permanent and that I have to make some decisions, maybe now maybe later, but tough and longlasting for sure.

Maybe it’s time for a new job, a new life? They may seem disconnected but let me assure you they’re not. Maybe it’s time to do what I want. Why not? After all I’ve seen what I DON’T want. Who I don’t want to be. 

Lord guide me gently.

Maybe it’s time for a new love? Or perhaps time to start taking love seriously. To put behind me misconceptions and immature ideas that go no where. To give up or go all out. To put my heart on the line or to withdraw it and preserve it for someone else? 

Lord take my heart and seal it.

Maybe it’s time to throw away conventions that aren’t me. To throw away inhibitions that make me fear, that choke me. Time to throw away certain responsibilities and take on new ones, ones that I will love and cherish with my whole being? After all;

“A man cannot serve two masters, he will either love one or hate the other.”

Maybe it’s time.